Assessing my medication today made me feel in control in the way that I can change my mood and deter my negative thoughts. But also I felt out of control because whenever I go off of medication i descend into a place that I think is always in side of me. Watching videos on depression, especially the Ted Talk with Andrew Solomon, makes me feel helpless but also humble that I might not be able to function when off medication without being maladaptive. I want to deal with my behavior and not feel guilt about everything, and embrace my emotions and let them wash over me. My heart is heavy and the numbness is growing. I’m afraid I can do something to change my situation and relationships but I can’t let something go that’s so deeply wound in my soul, and accept that I’m doing the right thing while it feels like my body is cut open every day and power washed until nothing is left. Like in the story where Prometheus is chained on a mountain top for years and years and the vulture eats his liver every day, and by the time it regenerates and the wound is closed the vulture is back to devour it again.